If you are reading this then you had parents. I encourage you to take a few minutes to think about parenting, whether you plan to be a parent, are presently a parent.

Were your parents good parents in your opinion? Did you even know your birth parents, or were you an orphan? Were the ones that raised you the role models that influenced your life? Did you want to become like them? Or did you plan to avoid becoming like them? I think most people who become parents will agree that parenting is not easy. And it seems in today’s western culture there is less emphasis on the role of a parent as generation succeeds generation. What has led to the decline of parenting as an honorable and essential role in our present day culture? I think the decline in good parenting is a dangerous trend, and believe it is time to re-focus.

Most of the media we encounter today tempts one to believe that the focus of our lives should be on ourselves. We are told we should strive to fulfill our individual wants, to bring our dreams, our plans to fruition. The result of this focus is that currently we live in a ME generation. Many people have become absorbed in social media and desirous that others KNOW they exist, and hopefully appreciate whom they have become, what they say they have done, or what they say they stand for!

Most of us are not loners, but seek friends, people who will agree with our own thoughts and reasoning. Many of us like to be heard, to make our opinions known! We seek a wider audience than neighbors, family, close friends. By our very nature we seek others who will agree with us. Feeling separated, lonely and isolated is unpleasant and for many of us abhorrent. Some even seek validation for their very existence by how many friends they can garner. Today the opportunities seem almost limitless to do that on social media sites. We post our thoughts, announce our current happenings and await feedback in the form of likes and comments. We love it when comments are positive and affirming, and often dismiss them when they are otherwise. If we don’t like opposing or negative comments, we can merely “un-friend” those people from our growing list of “friends”.

One of the outcomes of this electronic evolution is that we now have a much broader spectrum from whom to seek life partners, a much larger field from which to choose. And we have at our disposal resources previously unavailable to us. We have become an electronically mobile society, able to access information on anyone who has volunteered that information in hopes of being recognized. Through many matchmaking services for which we are asked to pay a small fee we can be “matched” to the “perfect individual” for us. Such services grant access to personality profiles created from information and data received voluntarily by applicants. I have often wondered how many inaccuracies there might be in these bios, because most of us aren’t really that forthcoming about who we really are. We don’t really SEE ourselves in reality. Most people find themselves in the self-awareness stage of life, no matter what their age, especially if they have taken control of their lives, attempting to work out their lives in accordance with their own plans, to create their own destiny.

Matchmaking services bring the prospective parties together electronically, so that individuals can contact one another to arrange an initial meeting, a first date. The success of the service is measured on the number of long-term relationships that develop, some leading to marriage. But marriage, I believe is the most serious test of any relationship between a man and a woman. Statistics show that marriages don’t last as they did in former generations. Many young people postpone tying the knot for years because they are uncertain their present partner is the optimum one for them. And because they at least recognize that parenting is an even more serious responsibility for any human being, and requires a lot of personal sacrifices in order to do it correctly. After all if life is supposed to be all about ME, having children and raising a family would be a serious impediment.

I think we can all agree that there are good parents and there are bad parents. Many of us would have preferred to have had better parents, but that doesn’t mean that the parents who raised us were bad parents. If we examine our own life experience as both child and parent, do we seek a truthful assessment, or are we willing to settle for appearances alone? We should look deep within ourselves and by doing so perhaps see how very discontent we might have become when our childish demands were not met. What makes a good parent? Isn’t it one that establishes guidelines, provides for our earthly needs, protects us from harm from others, and otherwise nurtures us and prepares us to leave the nest and become adults? And does all that while only hoping for some respect from us? Doesn’t it depend on how the parent regards that role? How does one become a good parent? I propose the answer to all those questions is contained in God’s word, the Bible. Jesus taught His disciples that we are to love one another. He taught that we are to lay down our own lives for one another, in essence to sacrifice for one another. He invites children to come to Him. That’s directly contrary to having one’s focus on self, as described above, isn’t it?

A major consequence in our society today of generations of what I will describe as deficient and dysfunctional parenting is that many children never receive the kind of nurture essential to allow them to develop into responsible citizens of society. Now that I am a grandparent, I am grateful for the nurture I received from parents, grandparents, pastors, teachers, and role models of all kinds. Not one of them was perfect for they each had their flaws. But, I gleaned from their collective words and example the values I adopted in my own life. Most of all, I learned that without God’s help I had not the capability to become a good parent. I had the privilege to have been raised in Christian home and taught core Christian values. I don’t believe any human being automatically assumes core values; they must be conveyed, taught by word and example. I believe that is the primary role of a parent. May God Bless your parenting as you seek Him for the strength to do so!

Picking a spouse is one of the most important decisions any man or woman will make. There are all kinds of organizations that have cropped up in the past few years that guarantee they are the answer to anyone seeking a lasting relationship with a partner. You provide them with information on yourself and they collect the same type information on other registrants. The service then matches your information to others with similar profiles. For a fee they will provide you with contact information on the options presented and you take it from there. Basically to me these seem to be psychological matching services, which seem to bypass the leading of God’s spirit to join a man and a woman. My belief is human beings are much more than their psychological persona would reveal. From a worldly perspective, these services might provide a better option than meeting someone in some of the more popular social venues. Those ways of meeting people weren’t around when I was a young man, and I am personally glad they weren’t. Considering how intelligent but emotionally immature I was at that age, I would have seriously influenced the data I put on any registration form in hopes of finding the life partner I thought would be perfect for me. I didn’t know myself very well in those days; I had been raised in a Christian church, but lacked much nurturing and was very insecure. I did however believe God had a life partner for me somewhere, someone who would really care for me and overlook my deficiencies.

 

I saw my wife with her friend in a drugstore of all places. I was drawn to her because she was pretty, a couple years younger than me, and available. I found out her name from an acquaintance working at the store who was also in her high school class. At this “chance” meeting I boldly said hello to her by name outside the store doors and asked if she would go on a date. She was curious as to how I knew her by name and agreed if I would follow her to her house, she would go with me on a short ride in my new VW Beetle that I had purchased that same day. She revealed this was a special day for her as well, because it was her 17^th birthday. Wow, I felt like the stars were lined up and she was the one for me. She accepted my invitation at the encouragement of her friend. We went for that short ride, and our romance started. She only lived a few miles away, so we saw each other most nights from then on. One year later on her 18^th birthday I asked her to be my wife. Eight months later, we exchanged vows in her church.

 

I know now, 50 plus years later that God put us both in that drugstore at that time in order that our relationship could begin; it wasn’t chance. When people ask me now how our marriage has lasted the test of time, I can only reply truthfully that it was due to the grace of God and a deep sense of commitment to make it work, to make it better than what I had observed with my parents. Our relationship did grow, sustained by communication, commitment and the security we placed in each other, but not without its rocky moments. We had no disagreement about having children. Fortunately we had agreed on that before marriage. Both of us have worked through many difficult moments. As is normal, issues came up often over sex, money and children and the romance didn’t last forever. We focused our attention and energies on making a living, raising a family, and trying to create a better existence for our children and ourselves. Basically we wanted to get ahead; to improve our standard of living beyond what we had ourselves experienced. Although we cared for and were honorable to each other, neither of us was entirely forthright about the feelings we were having.

 

A few years ago, I felt I needed to reconcile my relationship with my own father; it had become severely estranged after I passed judgment on him for leaving, then divorcing my mother decades earlier. I had several interim conversations with him, but very little candid dialogue. I felt it would be good for me if I could get straight with him before he passed from this earth. I had a bundle of feelings about the treatment I received as a child from his hand. I wasn’t aware how much those feelings were coloring my relationship with older male friends. I just knew my frustration had been growing and I felt my wife didn’t understand. One night in a fit of anger, I left my wife and moved out of the house.

 

That was a turning point for my marriage. I sought help from a trusted clergyman, one I had known for many years. He suggested I get professional counseling from someone he knew. I knew I needed help but had always lived with the dread that I would follow in my mother’s footsteps and have the same kind of emotional problems she had. God graced me to take his suggestion, although my emotions were so raw at that time that I had little hope life would be any different. I had really given up on myself and held little hope in God; it was as though a big part of me had died, and my life had no value any longer. I felt like a complete failure, in total self-condemnation, and knew I couldn’t continue to live that way.

 

My first appointment with this therapist was very helpful. She emphasized how important it was for me to be completely honest with her, so she could help me. I was painfully honest with her about what I had been feeling and she listened attentively, and assured me that help was available by proper medication and further therapy sessions. I was encouraged to continue. At first I met her weekly till, with the help of medication, I was able to function better. In these sessions, I would share my thoughts and feelings very candidly, especially those related to my father and my wife. Simultaneous with these earlier sessions, I did a lot of soul searching in prayer, and became convicted of the emotional wounds I had sustained from my father, and at God for not having given me the earthly father I thought I deserved. And because she was the closest human being in my life, my wife had become the object of much of that hurt and anger. I forgave my father and then forgave myself, and accepted once again the love God has for me.

 

Each of us came into our marriage with ideas of what we were expecting from the other. We each wanted to be cared for in a particular way. We both came from families that had stayed together. Though they fought and had loads of issues, their marriages lasted. Neither of us received much positive nurture from our fathers. It was not their fault-they just didn’t know better. They loved us as best they were able.

 

When I had viewed the movie “Forrest Gump”, I had been struck by the message presented, that a man can rise above his circumstances if we will choose to do so. Gump had good reasons, from a worldly point of view, to regret his beginnings and continue to feed those regrets by the difficulties he encountered throughout his life. But Gump’s mother, on her deathbed drew him close and said …”Life is like a box of chocolates, you take what you get”. I thought about how life played out for Gump, who with all the obstacles he faced, never became angry or resentful but just kept on going forward. When I prayed about my relationship with my wife, and I finally realized the source of the conflict was largely due to my trying to change my wife. I had been trying desperately to have her conform into the image I had of a loving wife. I had not accepted her for who she was, a unique being created by God in His image, and by God’s providence destined to be my wife and lifelong partner; I had not accepted the chocolate I had taken. I began to accept responsibility for my part in the near destruction of our marriage. I prayed God would grace her to forgive me and that we could begin to strengthen our marriage on the sure foundation of our mutual belief as Christians. I began to see how judgmental and unforgiving my feelings had become for my wife, and I pleaded with God for the grace to forgive her and to heal our marriage. I realized our marriage was never going to become what God wanted it to be otherwise. I have done that, but..

 

A couple years ago I began to yearn to be a grandfather by moving close by my only son and his two adopted sons. I believed that this was what God wanted of me for the remainder of my natural life; to reside near my son by and just be a grandpa. He had moved from Cape Cod to Colorado. I had contracted a form of cancer that left me without any immune system. I was constantly living with the effects of the high humidity borne environment of Cape Cod. After discussing this for years with my wife, I decided to try it out by moving in with my son for awhile. My health improved quickly and I accepted that as God’s confirmation that I was on the right track. I hoped that my wife would want to leave where we had been living for thirty five years in a Christian community.
Despite a year of pleading she would not even consider visiting for a period, so we agreed to divorce and go on with our lives independent of the other after fifty three years of marriage.

Within weeks I met a widow at church and we decided God wanted us together. We are good companions for each other and we are both very grateful to Have each other. My new wife is a terrific grandma to my grandsons. And likewise I have adopted her many grandchildren in my heart.

So, life doesn’t always work out the way we might plan when we are young, and sometimes following God’s leading might cost us the unimaginable. But instead of giving up when the going gets tough, we are to seek God’s face and trust Him to lead us. Our new marriage is due to a more genuine love for one another. Neither of us is in any illusion about the other. We are becoming best friends, revealing our inmost thoughts with one another and accepting each other, just the way we find that Christ has accepted us.